All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
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