There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
