I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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