quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
