If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize