Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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