I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize