winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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