Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
