my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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