New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
