you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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