Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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