my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
