Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
