Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
