sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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