Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize