4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
