I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ketchup is God's man juice
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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