After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
