Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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