We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize