I wish I only lived at night.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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