did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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