remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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