she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
