Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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