Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
