today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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