can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
