I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
