My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
