I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
