You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
