Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
