remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize