my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
