I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
