on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I want a musical about memes.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
