Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
