DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
