Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize