Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize