i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
