There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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