Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
