I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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