Who did Billy Mays play for?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
