My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
