I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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