I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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