Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
did you just send me my own nude
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
