There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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